I don't really know what's going on anymore. I'm kindof losing touch with reality some days. The other day I had gone to bed, and then I thought I woke up at 6:15 and had gone to school. No sir, I then woke up a second time at 14:10 and had slept through an important day of tests. So I've been working on making up those tests, one of which was scheduled for today. The day before our finals. We got a snow day.
I dislike Tumblr. thisismyguardswag is like the only cool thing on there, and even then it's just all the same stuff over and over. Everyone's bitching about everything and no one's working to fix things and so the entire situation of their lives is fucking deteriorating.
One of my best friends is leaving me. She has been for awhile, but lately it's gotten bad. If I say anything around her she gets irritated at me and tells me to shut up. If I don't say anything around her she gets irritated and thinks I'm moping about issues that 'don't matter'. Truth is, I like to joke around and tell exaggerated stories and speak loudly awkward sounding sentences. I like to feel like I belong to a group of people.
And most of my friends are bandies, including her. And whenever I want to do something, she'll always say something like, "well, it sucks for you because *bandies* are busy." And it's to the point where it's like, "hop off your shit, cunt."
I don't even like that word, but she deserves it. Even the other day I decided I wasn't going to talk to her, but another one of my friends sits right behind her in one of my classes. And so we were sitting there just making faces at each other, and she assumed I was making faces at her and got really fucking pissed. Not only that, but she's the only one who excludes me for not being 'in band'. I'm the fucking colorguard captain next year. All of my other band friends are like, "yeah, there's a pepband game, you should come with!" And so I'll tag along, but while I'm there she'll give me dirty looks and it isn't fun.
She's one of my best friends. This hurts. I've always forgiven her for being vain, I've forgiven her for not understanding basic concepts like working for pay, I've forgiven her for not understanding why I do better than she does in class. I've even forgiven her for all that shit above. But it gets harder and harder every day, and I don't want her in my life. She's causing a turmoil that isn't helping me right now.
My entire life has been in shambles lately. Well, life is fine, it's the same as it has been for months, but the stressors of each and every day have finally built to a breaking point that I can't ever really escape. I used to harm myself, and it's so hard to not go back to it. It's addictive and it hard to even stop in the first place and the urge is always there even after you've stopped and she's made it so hard to not just start again.